Different, Still Beautiful

I thought you hung the full, bright moon; then suddenly, my nights were full of empty midnight skies. I put you on a pedestal so tall that when you fell, it was anyone standing near our love that felt the fatal blow.

So many good memories of you and me: walks through trails with sighing willow trees. My life was adorned with trophies of your supposed lasting love for me. The pillow you sewed with the help of your mother, your messages, carefully written in Morse code.

Pretending that I loved you in history- in black and white- seems now like it would make turning pages forward so much easier. I wouldn't have endless photos in vibrant colors of us together. My fragile smile you painted turned into an almost unrecognizable and foreign feature.

Our weightless laughter rolled as I play through videos of posed wrestling matches and movie nights interrupted by breathless kisses and unexpected, whispered, “I love you’s.” Days spent sitting on your piano bench, the notes you played tuned perfectly to the sounds of my voice reflecting our two hearts that beat in sync. Everything saved is evidence of something we fully believed would last forever.

You claimed, “the best is yet to come- the next chapter will be the best one.” Such empty words with no real comfort, what a stark contrast from your previous, sincere desires to love me... with me.

I should’ve seen it coming, should’ve taken the red flags you were throwing and run instead of using them to stake my claim and refuse to let you go. While my storm was bearing down, I looked up and realized I was the only one still hanging on. I watched you walk away, with the swirling wind of my deepest hurt carrying the best pieces of me in the air, magnetized around you.

I was your biggest fan, your true best friend, your late-night study partner, falling asleep together through the screen. I was your date for every dance, your one unconditional. I wish you would’ve told me there was writing to read between the lines, always pointing to our demise.

Days have passed, turned into months, and lack of space can no longer be my crutch. Now, these clean blank skies can be re-painted, the edges filled in with colors I choose. I can destroy my pedestals and pick up the shattered pieces to create a bench for two. I can find my own trails, create my own memories with my own different, still beautiful smile. I can adorn my life with friends who have no disclaimers and make everything worthwhile. I can play new games, watch new movies and pick up the pen to write my own next chapter.

Finding me without you wasn’t a task I was ever going to be ready to do. I’m here now, though, and with every day, I discover strength I never knew I had, pieces of myself I didn’t know existed, and the deepest appreciation for everyone who chooses me because I am not a consolation prize. I’m not a burden - rather, I’m someone who helps to carry the weight of others’ worlds. I’m not an embarrassment, but someone to be proud of, and I’m the furthest thing from a dirty secret; I shine undeniably and light the lives of those around me.

Knowing you decided to wash your hands of all that I am- well, that, my friend, makes me sad for you.

Midnight skies are never empty; in fact I’ve learned the stars shine brightest on the nights where there is no moon at all.